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the heart wore red
05 June 2010 @ 01:32 pm
I'm pretty sure that there's nothing wrong with being drunk.
the heart wore red
28 May 2010 @ 11:47 pm
You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you've housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much to heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I cant help it...you're my kind of man

Haunted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I'm diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
On your list with all your other women

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it.. you're my kind of man

Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

And so I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of troubles
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man

I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it... you're my kind of man

No I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater
the heart wore red
03 May 2010 @ 10:13 pm
My theory of love: free love
The greatest thing I’ve realized
People are highly affected by people
We do things, we miss things, in such great ways that others don’t know about them
That if only we knew the grand scale of how much people cared
at the same time

the heart wore red
20 April 2010 @ 09:15 pm
I feel so in love with sensuality and romance and magical things that can happen between two people who love themselves so much they want to share it with each other, and want to love everything about another person.

I've realized some certain things

the best love happenings happen when they're spontaneous

and in the moment, not expected or planned or worried about

the best love happenings happen when you want to simply give to someone

an expression of your own love for yourself, an expression of love for their spirit

an expression of love for the present moment, this present happiness, this magic feeling

it's not about ownership, or possessing, or taking power over someone

love is completely the opposite

you're here to give, not to take. you already are divinely loved. <3 have fun theend.
the heart wore red
09 April 2010 @ 01:39 pm
I really think that my prime age is 19. Why 19? Because I’m still a teenager but I’m an adult at the same time. I feel so much power within me and so much energy to do everything I want to. It’s limitless. I realize that I’m going to try finish school in 3 years. I really want a year off to explore the world and just draw and put myself out there. I realize that road trips, or just seeing new places and seeing nature strikes a chord deep within my soul. It’s such a part of who I am.

I love the woman I’m becoming. I love who I’m able to be friends and connect with anybody, male or female, because I can see both sides of the battle, because I want all things of what men and women want. Transcended the gender, transgender. I’m able to not be afraid of dancing in the center of the dance circle, just feeling the music and not caring how I come across, all I know is the lights are on me and I want to release.

I had a very strange yet ecstatic spiritual awakening recently. I was reading a book about karma and the Akashic records, which is a theory that there is a field that carries all of life’s events, histories, and our own personal life destinies. And I was reading more about how we’re in this life to clean karma and everyone in our life comes into it for a reason, people hurt us for a reason, we hurt them, and we’re meant to be hurt. It’s all relative. We’re also meant to heal.

I’ve been hurt in the same kind of ways, giving love, not getting enough, or having to wait for people, or being left waiting. That night I was reading those books, I became aware of those patterns. I became aware that I’ve been starting to become so independent and that my Tarot cards and just my life events have been pushing me to be on my own for a reason.

To love people without possessing them.
To just give love without expecting anything in return.

Because every time I want to control something and own something, and feel like I’ve got something, it’s so easy for me to get carried away and build my happiness on them. To put my happiness in the hands of my lovers, to feel like I need them to be happy.

I was fighting against my own freedom with that dependent mindset. What I needed to do, was just release myself from my past. To release myself from my ties, my pain, my heartbreaks, my doubts.

“You don’t have to fight anymore.” Those words kept repeating in my head as I was crying till I began laughing when I had this epiphany. I know that I’ve read things like this before, but that night it all came together for me. The truth was there, right in my heart, and it had exploded and filled every part of my soul and body and mind. I was seeing things so clearly.

The day after, and still days after, I feel like my lungs were filled with the purest air, and my mind was a clean white slate. I can feel at peace with everything now. Yet I know my worries still try to reach up to me, but I just remember that divine breath that I have, and everything is so clear again.

“I ask for nothing, I can get by.” That line from the Hunchback of Notre Dame hit me so much, people can pray for so many things like true love and being rich and getting famous. But we all can simply ask for nothing, and we’ll get everything that we ever want. We’ll get our happiness, our true happiness and all good things will happen in our life. Everything we ever need is within us. Love. Happiness. Truth. You don’t need to depend on anyone for that. You are already completely whole, divine, and pure beautiful light.

I know for a fact that we are all pure light. I have dreams where I look into the mirror and I’m glowing shining radiant gold and I see everyone as pure gold light. Sometimes I look into my eyes and they start showing gold. When I had my spiritual revelation, golden hands were reaching to me from above. This is what auras are, and people can see that light glowing around people all the time.

~You are light. Don’t worry about having enough things. You already have everything you ever need.~
the heart wore red
15 March 2010 @ 09:14 pm

soooo exciting, I CAN'T WAIT.

the heart wore red
10 March 2010 @ 06:35 pm
* The Hero — (lead singer) The leader of the group. Can be clean-cut and upstanding, bold and charismatic, serious and driven, or some combination of the three.
* The Lancer — (lead guitar) The second-in-command, usually a contrast to The Hero. If the Hero is clean-cut and/or uptight, the Lancer is a grizzled Anti Hero or Deadpan Snarker; if the Hero is driven and somewhat amoral, the Lancer is more relaxed and level-headed.
* The Smart Guy — (keyboardist, bass guitar) The physically weak, but intelligent or clever member. Often nerdy and awkward played for comic relief. Sometimes unconventionally young (early- to mid-teens). Sometimes a trickster and a buddy of the Big Guy. May be the one with all the "street" connections.
* The Big Guy — (drummer) The strongman of the team.
* The Chick — (vocal effects, tambourine) A peacekeeping role to balance out the other members aggression, bringing them to a nice or at least manageable medium. The Chick is often considered the heart of the group. Not always female, but the role is usually taken by the Token Girl (hence the name).

Freshmen year
The hero- Ella
The lancer- Jill
The smart guy-kiley
The big guy-rachael
The chick-mara
The 6th ranger- kate
the heart wore red
09 March 2010 @ 11:06 pm
got 7 of Pentacles in tarot class today for "what can i learn from my childhood?"
man strong bearded farmer with 7 golden pentacles around him in green plants.
"you've planted some good seeds and now you're seeing the harvest." I'm reaping what I've sown. My happiness and good creative just free love as a child has blossomed within me as a young adult. I feel like I connect with that card so much and

I feel truly at peace with everything. There's *magic* in the air. Happy little child of mine, you have blessed me greatly. The beauty in what you sow, you reap. Sow seeds of love and beauty right now, and look at this heaven you can create. The present has much to do with the future. Love now, love then, love always.

7 of Wands for "What should I keep in mind for tomorrow, for whatever tomorrow brings?"
The Lord of Valour can best be summed up by the phrase 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. It is a card about encountering demanding and formidable situations in life, and having the courage to be true to your own desires, ambitions and needs. That is when you find yourself in a position where you are forced to fight for what you believe in.

On a day ruled by the 7 of Wands, the most important thing is to be alert for opportunities and great chances. Often these come up completely out of the blue, and must be seized without hesitation. This card often marks those apparently coincidental occurrences which begin a chain of events that leads us into a decisive and fulfilling life change. So pay special attention to everything that happens today.

This is a day in which you need to believe in yourself. So hold hard against anything which interferes with that. Refuse to allow anything (or anybody) to undermine you. And keep in touch with what you believe to be true. And if you do all those things, today could bring miracles into your life!!

Affirmation: I welcome life and embrace opportunity.


This speaks to me so much about my talk tomorrow. Fighting for what you believe in. what's true. Bringing miracles.
the heart wore red
06 March 2010 @ 05:38 pm
"If you are especially euphoric or want things to go well, temper your spirits and extend the moments, and you will find that even when everything is going along well one must have serenity. It is necessary to be relaxed in order to enjoy things and people. If there is too much excitement, the instants and
experiences rendered are volatile, passing and not satisfying."

This is the truth. Because whenever I'm involved in a really fun activity with friends, no matter how exciting the environment is, or beautiful, if I keep pulling myself out of the moment with the past, doubts or just exploding that energy and excitement all over the place, I lose those moments instantly, and they become superficial. Because I wasn't really there for it.

Experiences that I feel deeply and profoundly in a simple way, is just be being happy to be there with friends, happy with what I have at the moment, and not expecting anything, not wanting to exploit or show off anything. Just happy to be with you.
the heart wore red
oh draft from my birthday.

So basically I delivered an 8 minute long personal story about FSHA. And my gay journey WHEE. I was cool until I talked about how I would be thinking about that girl in cross country a lot and be staring at her in religion class. But I still brought my audience in, made them laugh, talked about how my friends and i were the weird group, basically, the "hot topic poster children" which include the anime spazzes, the ravers, and the emo kids.
OMG. I'm 19! 7:44pm YAY.


today is January 30, 2010. I've been looking at our kairos pics because I've been seeing pics from the facebook feed of the class '10's kairos retreat. Their group picture-basically everyone looks the same, long brunette/blonde hair. Skinny. That's it.

Our kairos pics? We are so freakin' diverse and unique and spazzy crazzy. Maybe it's just cause I didnt know their class, but dayum, we were a melting pot of creativity.

The pictures of us leaning against the tree and laying around on top of each other on the grass will always make me smile. These are the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

I've been trying to unwind this weekend, from the chaos partying of two weeks, gah, all i need is deepak chopra, my bed/bath, and i'm good. Another visit to a palm reader would be nice too. Walking around downtown, feeling the breeze and 2010. New experiences. Visits to that Tarot exhibition in downtown la.


I'm planning on ordering a book, of all my journals/diaries/entries/writings from high school. I would say that'd be around 500 pages? 1000? I really don't know. Every page would be a new day, but every day has a lot of pages. It would be really cheap though, yay http://www.lulu.com/

It's a pretty big project, lots of soul wading to go through. Emotions to hopefully I'm already objective to. There's going to be a lot of pausing, feeling those memories/pains/regrets/excitements/highs/happiness intensely and subtlety.

I know it will be uber personal, uber private, I'm not gonna leave out anything. In a way too, though, I want to share it. When I'm ready. 4 years in one book. From age 14-18. The most lifechanging years of my life.

With a joyous smile, I greet thee.