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the heart wore red
14 September 2015 @ 01:21 am
i miss ecstasy. and i'm remembering through it through my imagination. how 3rd eye dimensional being a kid was. it was so fluid to visualize and be in different realities at once. i had a strong sense of my persona, which was many different badasas colorful cartoon characters.

it's a new stage of my life.
i'm not gonna any younger
the heart wore red
16 June 2012 @ 02:26 am
"The purpose of truly transcendent art is to express something you are not yet, but that you can become."

"Devotional labor lavished on a work of art radiates love and care to the viewer."

"If we cannot envision a better world, we cannot create one."

I'm finally ON BREAK. not just on break on break. ON BREAK. a vacation from a year of crazy stress and wonderful challenges of RainbowShine. that project brought on the most stress I've ever experienced for a whole year. sleepless nights, frustration leaking out of me and being thrown viciously into my relationship, and anxious doubts that this short wasn't going to work at all in the end.

i just want to say thank you to the universe for giving me one of the most educational experiences of my life. my animation and leadership skills are so much better than they were before thanks to this project. RBS was like a great big fish that I hooked onto (out of the intention of making a film from scratch with a TEAM of creative artists learning and gaining wisdom from each other) and this fish just propelled me further into STUDYING animation on my own, practicing every day, diving into topics such as smears that weren't even mentioned in my fundamental classes. THANK YOU UNIVERSE. i want to be a highly successful top-notch animator that is able to produce animation that match my visions. I want to tell stories that are heavily influenced with nature and spirits and imaginative abstract beautiful visions.

also thanks to RBS, i was pushed to reconnect with my spirituality and meditating on my goals and visions. knowing and visualizing with what I wanted for the good of all and then, with detachment, sending those wishes out into the universe. that peace with uncertainty is a place of bliss for me.

i will be starting DEMO 1 next quarter. 5 pieces that will get me a job in the top companies. 5 pieces that need to be BETTER than what's being produced at Ai, Cal Arts, anywhere. Everyone is my competition, and I need to be the best. I want to work with the best and be with a team that pushes each other to get better and better with every drawing. You will be my rival because I want to push you to be your best, just as I want to show the world my best. I'll be de-activating my facebook because my career will come first. I want to ensure that I will be putting bread on the table. with butter. lots of butter! there is no time for distractions. I will still keep in touch with loved ones by the magical device of the phone.

anyways, I've just started reading "The Mission of Art" by Alex Grey. absolutely a must for artists. and for anyone who wants to realize art in a beautiful spiritual way. this is THE BOOK that will help you be set apart from everyone else and get you noticed because it will teach you to attune yourself to your own special mission and vision. I want to animate characters in my own special style. and make sacred animations that can be used as meditative visuals and guides. a 3D world depicting a inward state of deep meditation with visions of the mind. animation therapy. animation that dissolves ignorance.

"The artist's soul is a psychic atenna tuned to the needs of the world soul."

"We all organize and interpret life according to a unique psychological filter or lens, our worldview. This psychological context, the way we hold the realities of life, including who we think we are, mostly goes unnoticed. Our mind and body use it somewhat automatically. In order to notice our own world view, we have to think about the way we think; we have to rise above our habitual thought patterns and notice that they are habits. We have to question who we think we are. **This happens only when our worldview is sufficiently challenged, when new visions collide with and unsettle our existing vision of life.** If the challenge is great enough, our worldview and sense of self will dissolve and either regress, break down, or transform to a higher and deeper vision."

Alex Grey was talking about how art history has changed and evolved with society's cultures but I can completely apply this to my life right now with my relationship.

I am so thankful that I have the complete opposite of me in my life right now. He is a logical thinker, and believes in the subjective experience and THAT is his ruling that it exists. He also believes in the truth of science.

I am an emotional feeler, and believe in the mythological pantheon that has existed since the dawn of man because I feel that divinity within me. I believe in the magic within me and in nature. I believe that you can put intention on objects and do rituals that will help you manifest your desires because you are talking directly to the universe and your higher being when you do that. I believe in communing with higher spirits because I've connected with them through meditation, tarot cards, and ecstatic dance. **

^all this (and there will be more than I truly want to explain to him and the world what I believe in) is something that I haven't THOUGHT about. I haven't THOUGHT about the way I think. Questioned who I THINK I am. Just as Alex Grey explained about how world views evolve because they are CHALLENGED. My love has been calmly challenging my views and for some reason, I shut off and become extremely emotionally attached to my "beliefs" like I AM my beliefs, and I get offended when he "doesn't understand it" or "respect." and it's no fair to him because I HAVEN'T EXPLAINED my beliefs and feelings. the way I FEEL it. expressing it through poetry is currently the most fufilliing way because I can express it through art. Just NOT becoming so defensive and ATTACHED to my beliefs is what I can do to help me get through a simple conversation with him. I get so defensive, it's really bad. I've never had to explain my spiritual/magickal beliefs to such a logical thinker (and to someone I am so closely attached to and whom I truly want to understand and love)...

This could be the perfect time to write out all my beliefs but I will have more time over the break and I need to get up early.

I'm so thankful for all the beautiful harmonies of my life right now, in all aspects of it. My ups and downs are merely reflections of the true potential and higher self calling to me that I haven't been paying or expressing Her as much. My true best pure self needs to be manifested 24/7. I will be aligned and I will be grounded. This break. Right now.

lovelovelovelovelove you burn me so wonderfully I can be reborn
the heart wore red
10 December 2011 @ 07:07 pm
The 10th emotional period time.
Just wanted to be sad and cry over something stupid and trivial.
I also want to be alone.
Finally I've found something to explain "pms" that I can relate to.
post meditaton-i want to go in the woods, find a dark cave, collect herbs, talk to spirits, ask them to renew my soul, go into a state of intense reflection, and come out when i'm ready.

Menstruation is sacred from a Witch's perspective . . . The voluntary and magickal shedding of blood - the essence of life - without harm or wound.
The ability to honour the Moon each month with this mysterious gift, which is also intimately connected with a woman's ability to create life, is one of the greatest Mysteries and Powers.
The word "menstruation" derives from "moon." It is the sacred expression of the Moon Mother's power to create life.
Menstruation - the Moon Blood - brings many gifts that are maligned in a patriarchal-domination style culture. It is a time when creativity reaches a peak - when women are most open to inspiration from the Goddess. If you ever want a creative flow, the days before and after your Bleed starts are naturally creatively juicy.
Menstruation is also a time of soul-truth, when injuries require action. Nowadays, it's called PMS, or bitchiness. (Oooo, please see Bitch!)
But what's actually going on is that the soul, which has been hurting - and silenced - all month, finally speaks its piece. It attempts to realign you with your heart and your Purpose every month, fine-tuning your life compass. If you listen to what your Moon Bleed is telling you, you will never lose yourself.
(Men, unfortunately, don't get this monthly re-setting of their compass, and do it all in one big blow-out at their mid-life crisis.)
Thanks to persistent brainwashing, though, menstruation has come to be seen as a nuisance, a curse, and a pain - which it certainly is, to the status quo.
Honouring the Bleed and the cycles of the Moon is a cure for any menstrual suffering a woman may experience. What is called PMS or menstrual dysfunction is merely resistance to the Power of menstruation.
Blessings of the Blood: A Book of Menstrual Rituals for Women by Celu Amberston, and The Wise Wound: Myths, Realities, and Meanings of Menstruation by Shuttle and Redgrove, are excellent guides to the forgotten Power of women's sacred blood.
See also Thirteen, and Goddess Symbols - Ocean.
http://www.wicca-spirituality.com/wicca-symbol.html - wicca_symbols_index
the heart wore red
10 December 2011 @ 07:01 pm
the fact that facebook emailed me and told me i have notifications pending and i actually tried to login for the umpteenth time but already knew cause i had adam change my password for me is whack.

then i told him to check my notifications for me.

and then i have to write it out in a blog post to document it.

i'm addicted to facebook. and i can't log in, so i'm writing about the addiction. strangely it gives me a feeling of connection with people yes, in everything we share and link to each other
but there are so many things i want to share with the world and that is facebook

the heart wore red
14 September 2010 @ 06:57 am
in the morning I think about
and I wonder if facebook will be around in 20 years
myspace is alive after 10
but I wonder
about my connections

Am I to be blamed for not being able to let go when I can’t bear to see the faces of my exes with their new lovers?

What I’ll tell her I’ve been up to this past year
Making mistakes with boys and girls
But living and learning from them

and a voice tells me
in the bigger Oneness of it all
connections, losing people, seeing them with new lovers
it doesn’t matter
we’re all loved and love each other at one point
it will be alright
when you’re ready
you’ll move on

you’re gonna reject people too, Rafaella.
Remember why your relationships with these ex lovers ended?
It all worked out for the BETTER and best anyways
And you were being true to yourself too.
So move on.
And don’t get lost in the past.
Think about you and how you’re able to give and receive love
In a wiser, much more mature way. And you’re able to say no.
And you’ll figure out what you truly want. Love who you truly are. To be able to attract what you really need right now.
It will happen. Because it already is happening.
This is for the best for you. And dream that real dream all the time
And feel it. Feel truly loved already. Feel whole completely.
You’ll manifest it in reality. It’s already happening, my love.
Come out strong. Move on from your exes. That was the point of this whole last few months. To finally confront them and resolve them and move on.
Because you are becoming ready to be in a new relationship again.
You know when.
the heart wore red
10 September 2010 @ 02:22 pm
if I could just live my prime youth life out
with nights like these
i took a photographic memory
and kept the moment
when I was dancing and looking up at the lights
and feeling so young and 19
i want to remember these nights
when I went out with my girls
and we danced the night away
so free
so young
so full of energy and life
the heart wore red
04 September 2010 @ 02:58 pm
Magic. Like speaking something like a freedom spell out into the night air, with your soulmate sister listening, and the next morning, you have gained what you have lost, back from the Soul of the World.

It’s healing. It’s a Key. It’s Magic.

The candles of my light. The candles that blaze. My friends, my family, my hopes, my dreams, my strengths. The wondercause of my life to set this world on fire. I wanna shine until I burn, burn, burn, blaze. And My God, I’m ready to set this world on fire.
the heart wore red
03 September 2010 @ 01:05 am
I realize now more than ever.
I really did predict my upcoming year of 2010.

I watched a vlog I did a year ago in November 2009. “18 year old Ella. Do not worry. Continue believing in the MAGIC and dreams and you’ll find it. You’ll reach it. Do not worry.” And I saw myself and I thought I looked radiant and there was something so soothing and calming and it’s like I was directly in fact talking to myself as a 19year old in the age of MAGIC.

I realize that I do have a special power within me. I realize that anything I want can happen. I realize that I can tap into the spiritual world very easily.

“Gosh, it's January 2010. I'm 19. There is so much going inside me, so much going on in my mind that I want to experience and do, so much that I want to feel, so much that I want to believe in, and just understand that my LIFE is UNLIMITEDABANDONING ECSTASTICLUSTMAGICFREEDOM.

Ecstatic lust magic. Freedom. Love. Something like that. My cousin who's 30 told me about this. That restless feeling of age 19. Of feeling like the world is at your fingertips and you just want to touch it, touch it, touch the world forever.

I have a lot to say. I have a lot to feel. Screaming is a fantastic release, as is crying. People tend to shy away from those extreme natural releases, but it's goshdamn .A.RELEASE.


Is 19 going to be a whole new oragasmic life year that all human beings experience or am I just foreshadowing my own reflected destiny, once again?

Ecstatic lust magic. Love. Feeling. Thanks.”

I believe in MAGIC. What is magic?
Magic. possibly seeing into a bracelet and understanding how it connects with you and your life.
Understanding how a stone can heal and cleanse your soul.
Loving yourself so truly that you know that you’re completely whole and radiant on your own.
Believing in miracles. Believing that anything is possible. “He saw that the Soul of the World was the Soul of God and that was his own soul. And the boy knew he could do anything and create miracles.”

Anything that I put my mind to, will happen.
I’m really restless right now. I want to finish my finals, but I also want to spend a lot of time on them. I want to go dancing but I know I just have to wait to finals are over to relax and enjoy. God, PIRATE FAIRE is gonna be so much fun.

Just 16 more days…
the heart wore red
08 July 2010 @ 10:50 pm
I’m starting college tomorrow. The next 3 years of my life.
Good warm memories of friends fire my heart and keep my soul ablaze. I am ready. My heart is prepared for the great adventure. And though it may seem just like summer, there is no timeline, there is no past or future. All is all. All is one.

Think of all the good times you gonna have and the new friends you’re gonna make. I’m gonna make a masterpiece. Heaven on earth. My heaven on earth. For all. For the world.

Love, take me, and let myself be at peace with the universal mind. Let me engage in life presently, and let my hands create my true rainbowshine with each project I do.

I know who I am. I am that. I’m going to tell stories. My stories. The truth of all things. Beauty how I see it. The world in my eyes. I’m gonna share love. I’m gonna be love.

Queen of Swords, I’m ready for you. And I know you’re ready for me. And when we make our first kiss and say the words “I love you” to each other, let the sun shine warmly upon our hearts and let us feel the union of true love, a spiritual experience, God. And let me take the steps to that moment with patience and integrity. I want to know what full committed love truly is. Two souls giving everything to each other. Giving and sharing. Realizing they are not two, but One.

Dear God, be with me. I know life will take me in all these different directions that I haven’t planned, or have been surprised about-that’s what makes life so thrilling and exciting. Thank you for that. Let me be reminded that all this is for the greater plan for Heaven on Earth. And each challenge that I experience will be the one absolutely meant for my current doubts that need hope, fears that need conquered, denials that need acceptance.

I believe in you. Become the hero you’ve always were meant to be. Be the adventurer, never afraid to dare against any challenge. Be the lover, a compassionate, loving heart to all. Be the truth.

Now, bring me that horizon.

<3 Raffie
the heart wore red
My predictions about my year of 19 have all been coming true.
The tarot question of how my summer will be like "THE DEVIL" lusty and playful is true.
The fact that a boy came into my life and there was lust and he was mr. right now is true.

When I came up with the term ECSTASTICLUSTMAGIC in January, I realize that I was predicting my own year.

ECSTATIC, ecstasy, overwhelming God revelations, altered states of happiness...January, February, March, April

LUST, PLAY, PLEASURE...May, June, July, August


Let's see how this all plays together. I'm thankful for everything that has happened in the chaotic organized way it did. And if I could just imagine for myself that this beautiful year could get any more beautiful and tragic and lifechanging, I will.